Really, what more can I say that's not been said before? Each and every time something good happens, or there's something I want to try and obtain or at least strive for, or there's a day where all is fine and dandy, I suddenly burst my bubble and begin to think irrationally or in a totally insane manner.
Also... ugh, it's so damn hot in my room. I need to get those curtains up, I don't know why it's hot to begin with in Fall, but the sun shines directly into my window during the evening and it's here for some time, heating up my room, making me sweaty and icky....
Ok, back to my point. I'm just... upset, and disappointed. Upset with myself, because I don't know why I have such a low self-esteem, and I keep on trying to keep my spirits high, but ultimately I always come back down. I'm sure it's just a cycle of life, but it's perhaps too frequent in my life, and the effects stay too long. As for disappointment, I'm just disappointed that I allow myself to be this way too... so... no wonder my self-esteem sucks...
To bring up the current news of events in my life. Let's see... I'm trying to find a job,but I bet it's not the best of efforts at times either. It's discouraging to not have one, but I'm sure something will come up. I'm just trying to be strong... but I think I need to look in some broader places, I just wish I knew where....
It seems I have no choice now, but I think I may end up going on a mission now... I really don't know how it came to this. However, no one seems to take me seriously. Maybe I need to be more serious? They say I'm "wishy-washy" with my decision, but maybe it's because I don't want to say full on "No" either in fear of hurting those expecting it of me. Then again, I don't say fully "no" because:
1. I don't feel I'll be taken serious
2. I feel I have no justification for this
3. I will disappoint quite a few people I think...
I'm ready to bear the long term consequences that will happen, or so I think. I know some of the religious conflicts it may bring. Possible wife not want to marry me because I don't go on a mission? Can't be married in the temple... something I'd really love to have one day. I don't know what kind of example I'd be for my future kids if I choose to raise them in the church, which I really want, though I won't force them to go either. If they don't want to, I'll understand, but I do hopet hey would be int he church still.
Moving on, recently I recieved a letter from a friend who's on a mission. Him and another friend on a mission asked about me. It is odd a bit I guess, because to be frank while I felt I was good friends with one of them, the other one I felt we were not as close. I don't mean to sound... wrong I guess, but I always felt those two and the other one, where much better at a lot of things than me. I'm not sure what to say, but I knew they'd be doing great things, I'm not sure how I'll compare, but I won't try to compare myself. I am who I am.
Lastly, my self-esteem is something I'm sure you know about. I'm just bringing up the next ego busting esteem moment I have going on, and that moment is...
We will be going to a dance this friday. Me, my friends, Christine, the Morrisons. It's one part of our Halloween plan (before we'll have dinner at Vicky's then we'll go to some cemetery and watch movies at the Morrisons after the dance) and ok, I'm sure you know I have a liking towards Christine.
She was at the Eric and Vanessa's (the Morrison's) on Monday. We all were there just hanging out, and I had got a chance to spend a decent amount of time to know her some more. I don't know what she thinks of me, if anything, yet I felt things went pretty ok for the day.
So I mentioned we are going to a dance right? It's some Halloween party with games, activities, and dancing by the Church. I don't know how good the music will actually be (what with it being church and all) but regardless, there should be some fun moments, right? As I'm sure you are already aware of, I would like to have the chance to dance with you-know-who. I mean, it's quite obvious, no?
Oh, but I do have so many doubts in my mind, and already I'm thinking to myself I won't have the courage to even ask. WHo knows, knowing me, I may not even bother dancing. I would watch on the sidelines, maybe she'll be dancing with other guys, or what not. I don't know what I'll do, but really...? Do I think I have a chance? I mean should I? Would it seem...awkard? Maybe she won't think it's anything if I ask casually, but what if she does? What if we had fun? We didn't? Who knows... and I won't ever know unless I take a dive and go forth.
I would like to dance with her, and possibly have it go so well or be memorable in a good way that I'd win some more brownie points with her... Yet, can I really do it? I've got so little faith in myself, I know... I hate it. I try to think positive, but I'm discouraged easily, and ... who knows? Maybe... maybe I've yet to really grown up? Maybe I've yet to really gain any life experience, so I pay that price with this and if things go wrong it's because I've yet to actually mature... I've yet to live up my life and yet to learn from mistakes in the past because I don't have any?
Ugh... why must I make things difficult? I want to be more positive, I want to have more faith in myself, I want to at least be able to take what life throws at me and be more prepared than I am now and not feel like the world is out to destroy me over any little change.
So.. I went to the bank today. I go to deposit my monthly pay my mother gives me (But I really hope that Gamestop calls me back >_> )
and what do I see?
Elisa. >_> The bank girl whom I've ... umm been flirting with? Ok, not so much, more so we have these weird... moments when we go to the bank. Perhaps it was because I had her like 3 times in a row when I went to the bank and every other time she was there? :|
Well she spots me in line, and I just give her a half-smile (cause to be frank I almost wasn't sure... XD she changed her hair.)
Well when I get up in line, she goes "Hello, it's been a while." then I immediately went "Hey, I know... I've missed ya haha. "
She smiled then said "How are you?" I answer and go "FIne, and you?" then she goes "I'm good." then I said "So where have you been?" and she said "Oh they just moved me around here and there..." and I was like "Oh... I see."
Afterwards when she finishes processing my stuff (a little slower than usual... it felt like at least >_>) she goes "Bye Christopher" and I first off was a little thrown off, she never called me by my first name... or any name... just "Oh hey..." or one time it was "Oh. hey... it's you.."
so now... what do I do? >_> I don't know, I said "Bye, take care.." and she said "You too, have a good day." and afterwards I left and I was... as usual the same conflicted me somewhat. XD
If I get the job now though I increase my chances of seeing her >_> oh but what to do? Should I think much on it? Should... I take a chance? >_> Ask her out or something? I want her to see I have a job though and money, I mean... seriously she knows how much I have, so ... what can I say? "Oh hey let me take you out..." and know that I have barely enough for a fancy resturaunt or night out and that's it... for the month. XD *sigh*
Well.. I don't know, but I do know that I have Ursula on the mind too about this... I know... the odds are perhaps not in my favor at this time, but after hearing she feels strongly about me or about the same I do, and last time I told her about Megan who came home and when I was talking about her (perhaps a bit... like I am about Elisa in the way right now >_>) she was a bit envious she said. Well we both know the odds right now, and well who knows I mean it won't be an issue I believe in the end anyways... just it's been a while since I talked to her, I hope I can today and see how she may react to this... >_>
I was on a bus, riding home. Not sure why exactly, but I felt this was common, as the faces felt recognizable, despite not being able to name these faces on first look in my mind, I knew these people. Some just kids in my neighborhood, others whom I've seen around from where we were coming from.
Walking down the bus, she sits three rows on the right. Always there, always on the front. I take up the side directly across from her. This bus isn't pack, and in fact... it feels like this is a common occurrence with me. I turn over and smile at her, she smiles back. Feeling self conscious of myself, I then suddenly turn away and look forward. Yet I playback that smile in my mind... Her long black hair shining in the sunlight. It's straight and thin as it hugs every curve of her body. Her face is a bit tan brown, eyes soft golden brown, her face is small and a bit round, however when she smiles she has two dimples that show up on her face, her small petite mouth looks much wider when she pulls back to give you this big smile that gleams across her face. She's about my size, a good 5' 3" or 5' 4" if I had to guess. Just a little smaller... perfect for me I thought.
Then we arrive at the bus stop near my house, where me and hear along with two other boys in our neighborhood get off. When we get up at the same time, I offer to let her pass through first, and she accepts. Then I follow out behind her and she walks on ahead and goes to her house just four houses down from mine. I live on the corner house of the street, so I walk in and go to my room. Throwing my stuff on the bed, I am tired from today's eventful day, whatever it was I did that I can't remember in my mind right now. I decide to do some relaxing on the bed till I fall asleep.
The next day arrives, I'm on the bus again however. We're on our way home, however this time the bus is more crowded than usual, every seat is practically filled up. I'm walking to the back where I spot one seat empty till I hear a soft but gentle voice call my name "Chris, would you like to sit here..." I almost wouldn't have notice the voice if I hadn't known WHO'S voice it was. It was her voice. I turn my head over, look at her, she greets me with a smile that seems almost nervous and anxious at the same time... "Did she really want me to sit with her?" I thought. "Was she hoping I'd sit by her?"
"Are you ok Chris?" she calls me back out of my trance and I reply "Oh.... uhh.. y=yeah... I'd love to... err I mean, thank you." So I sit by her. She and I have gone to school together since I was in the 5th grade, when I moved here... now I'm an adult working and going to a nearby community college. To be honest, I didn't even know she knew my name, but it's not like we've never talked before or have never met, it's just... we aren't perhaps even more than acquaintices I'd say...
"Quite a full ride tonight, isn't it?" I snapped out of my thoughts and went "Oh, yeah... heh heh, it is..." She begins to start talking, I listen as her soft voice begins to lull me like every syllable she speaks is a melody playing out in perfect harmony, entrancing me into a state of nirvana almost... We just have some small talk, as we are on the bus for the next 10 minutes. Just things about what were doing, what are our plans, and our family and things about us.
When we arrive there, I get off the bus, and she and I continue to walk down the sidewalk talking till I get to my house. She then says "Well, I guess I'll see you tomorrow..." when we arrive, and I stutter "O-oh... y-yeah, I look forward to it..." She smiles and waves goodbye and I do the same, but feeling self-conscious again, I hold back my smile a bit and shortly wave in one quick jittering motion almost as I nervously walk up to my door and open it and almost rush in as soon as the crack was big enough for me to fit through.
I rush into my room, drop my stuff to the ground, and again think about the day and my mistakes... "Gah... I'm so stupid..." I said to myself, wondering why on Earth I'm so stubborn and so... so... childish. I mean I have no problem speaking to most girls, yet if it's someone that catches my eye, I guess, or a pretty face, I just feel this sense of shyness overwhelm me and suddenly I'm much more self-conscious about my looks and I NEVER feel good about my looks...
The next day comes again, this time I sit on the bench behind her, I smiled a bit and waved as I passed her by, she turns around as I sit down and asks me how I was. I reply back and ask the same question and we begin some more small chatter on the bus. After we get off at our stop, she asks me a question when we get to my house "So, what are your plans for Friday?"
Suddenly I became more self-conscious of myself before, and my mind is racing with thoughts and remarks to myself for where I felt this was going.. "Oh no, is she going to ask me out or something? Is she going to invite me somewhere? Why is she curious to know my weekend? I can't possibly be this low, letting HER take the initiative can I?" on and on I batter myself in the head before she calls my name and looks at me... then I reply "Uhhh, I-I don't think I have anything, why?"
She goes "Oh, me too..." and I just went... "Oh..." then we stand there for a moment and I again think "Is she giving me the chance to ask her out? Is she giving me a hint? Of course she is stupid! She has to be... what do I do? Grr..." then suddenly I hadn't realized how much time I let slip by and she goes... "Well.. um I think I should.. get home. I'll see you tomorrow Chris."
Nooo! Stupid... I can't believe I didn't say something, but she walks on by and all I said afterwards was "Bye...See ya tomorrow..." and she just turns around and doesn't say a thing as she gently and carelessly waves bye...
When we get to the next day, it's friday. This time it's actually night time, and we're on the bus again, I see her and I go "Hey, how's it going?" She just half-smiles at me and I ask... "Can I sit here?" even though the bus is empty she looks around and goes... "Umm.. sure.." and she removes her books and I sit down beside her. "This is it..." I thought to myself "I need to make up for my stubborness of lame self-esteem moment yesterday..." and so she just sits looking forward, I turn over and say "Hey... are you doing anything tonight?" I asked her, she goes "Maybe..." and I go "Oh..." "Why?" she asks.
"Err, well you see... " I say, trailing off, cause I have no real thing in mind, "Umm.. I just was wondering if you were still free, because maybe I thought you'd... uh... like to- *nervous sigh* w-would you like to hang out?"
I was almost certain I butchered it, I just felt this awkward silence and she continued staring at me, and my nervous wreck of a face. Sweating bullets, my lower lip being bitten by my top teeth, the loud gulp I probably made as I tried to swallow whatever spit I managed to salvage as my throat dried up and my eyes trying to pull themselves away from her stare because I felt so conscious of my looks now, that I could only guess the answer was no so I should have not even bothered and I should just look away now I felt...
"Sure..." she replied, and she began to smile that favorite smile of mine... "Uh... huh?" I said... almost certain I just imagined that, and there was no way she just said what I thought she said. "Yes, I would." and then I reply a little over zealous "Gr-GREAT!" ... oh.. crap I hope that wasn't too loud.
When the day goes by, we're walking down the street to our neighborhood. She and I are having a great time, just talking, laughing and the moment feels magical almost. When we arrive to my house, I say "Let me walk you home..." and so we walk down past my house to hers just a couple houses down. I walk her up to the porch, we get there and talk a little more about the night, how we enjoyed it, and then before she heads off, she asks me. "So what took you so long?" caught off guard and unsure of what she meant I go "Excuse me? ... wh-what do you mean?" "I told you I was free yesterday, why didn't you ask me out then?" she clarifies.
"Oh, well... you see... I, heh, I umm.. " I struggle to answer her question because the reason felt so ridiculous that I wasn't sure how she'd react, I felt silly admitting it and almost felt I had to lie about something else...
"What is it?" she asked...
"Well... you see I've... it's going to sound funny, but... I've never asked a girl out before... or.. ever been out." Suddenly she laughs and I feel embarrassed, completey stupid and felt I should walk away right now, before I lift my foot and begin moving she says, "Well... I'm really glad I was your first girl you asked out." She smiles and says "And Very glad to have gone out with you." She kisses me on the cheek and then goes to open the door to the house, and I say "Can I see you tomorrow night?" before she steps into the house. "Sure, call me. ok?"
Well, things go smoothly, we meet up the next day, are going out. It's about 11 o'clock and we're heading up our street. I walk her down the house, and the day once again went well. We saw each other every day that weekend, and went out every night. Things just really felt like they were going great for us, and I've felt so much happier and begun feeling a bit more confident now, even if she giggled or laughed at a bad joke I may have cracked once too much. Our third night together, we stand by her house, and we say how we had a great time together, then that night I kiss her on the lips. It was just a very magical moment and something very wonderful I felt. Her soft small lips curved against mine, as I held her body close to mine and the time just seemed to go on. When she walks into the house, I go back home skipping and jumping over the hedges and plants as I get into the house and flop on my bed.
Monday evening, we are walking home, we are heading off the bus, and by the time we get to my house she yells "Oh NO!" and I asked her what was wrong, she says "I left my bag on the bus!" "Oh no... " I said... I tried to comfort her, tell her we'll call the bus company see if the bag turns up, and we should call and cancel any credit cards/checks in her bag now.
When the bus pulls in at the bus station, they tell us there was no bag on the bus anymore. It figures, the bus had about another 5 miles or so before it hit it's stop, so it comes as no surprise someone had taken it by then.
Later that night, as I'm sleeping in my bed, there's a knock on my window. I pull the curtain to the side a bit to see her standing there. "Can I come in?" she said, and she looked worried and frighten almost. In just a few moments I opened up the window, removed the screen and let her in. She jumps onto my bed, I close my window, lock it up and put the curtains down. "What wrong?" I said...
I wrapped my arms around her, begin to comfort her, and she says "I... I think someone was at my window tonight."
I was completely surprised and then I said "Well.. did you tell anyone at home?" she replied "No..." I said "Why not?" ... "Because I didn't see anyone " she said after a while. "Well are you sure there was someone then?" I asked, and she said "I, I just felt like someone was there, and I heard a noise too. I-I was..." and she begins to start crying a bit. I wipe the tears off her eyes, then I begin to comfort her, rocking her back and forth, holding her close. "It's ok, don't worry it's fine. It will be ok. I'm sure it was just some stray cats, or something, you'll be fine. "
I rock her to sleep, and we sleep comfortably in bed together, till the next morning. I wake up early, tell her I'll walk her home. "If my parents caught you in my bed, I don't know what I'd tell them... " We walk home, she sneaks into her room and gets to sleep, I quickly run back hom, sneak back into my window and hop into bed just thinking about last night and what she said.
Later that day, we get off the bus again, she and I walk home and then she asks "Chris... can you sleep over tonight?" Knowing it's only just a weekday, I wasn't sure how I would explain that to my parents... "Would you parents mind?" I asked. "Hey... we are adults you know... what does it matter what they say?"
So we spend the night together, we watched some movies, and just spent the time mostly in her room. She had a twin size bed, and when I asked her "Where will I sleep?" she said "With me, silly." That night, we sleep together, I hold her in my arms, she rests sound asleep, and I just am still up, thinking about what she said. The window by the bed is small, but it's covered by somewhat transparent curtains. You still can't see through them clearly, but if a figure passed by or so, you could see it's shadow or something.
Then, later that night... I just felt the eeriest chill go up my spine. I shot my eyes open from my sleep, and now I felt my arms shiver a bit. I don't know why exactly, but something just felt wrong in the air around us. I felt I could feel something standing over me, something behind the window, and I didn't want to look. I stood, frozen for a moment, then I began seeing if I could find a shadow, hear a movement, or SOMETHING that could tell me... there was something or hopefully nothing behind me. After what felt like an eternity, I gain the courage to slowly turn my head just enough, hoping to see out of the peripheral of vision, if there was something at the window.
Then I immediately turn my head and... Nothing. No sounds, no person standing by the window, no signs that something had been breathing or staring me from behind... or so I felt. I then pull the large comforter over us, and calm myself down hoping not to wake her up and fall back to sleep.
The next morning I tell her "Hey... do you think you should put some blinds or curtains that aren't so... easy to see through?"
"Huh?" She asked said and asked me "Why...?" I told her about last night, and the feeling I had. She gasped and was frighten a bit.
So during the day we went and bought some curtains and replaced them.
The weeks days go by, the weekend comes and so far she no longer felt the sensation that someone was watching her at nights on her window again. Friday night, we go out, and then when we return, she tells me "So... I believe it's my turn to sleep over tonight, right?" I smile and say "Sure, I believe it is..." and then she kisses me and goes "I'll be back, let me grab some stuff from the house." I said "Let me walk you then, and she replies "No, don't worry it won't be more than five minutes, I'll be back soon."
I gave in and she says "Well, shouldn't you tell your parents I'll be over?" I go.. "Oh... hah, sure I guess so." I hold her in my arms and kiss her again, "I'll prepare the bed for us, ok? " she giggles and kisses me goodbye, then she goes and walks to her house.
I enter my house, throw the stuff down my floor and prepare the mess of a room I had left in the morning. I made my bed, cleaned up my stuff on the floor and threw it in the closet to deal with later, than I grab a can of Febreeze airspray to make the room smell more inviting. Afterwards, I look around for my parents, who are watching t.v. in the living room, tell them that she will be coming over tonight.
Soon I realized that ten minutes had passed, she had not returned. I tell my parents I'm going to check on her, and I walk over to her house. When I get there, her mother answers the door, and she goes "Oh, hi Chris." I greet her back and asked her if she was ready.
She replied "She.... didn't come back yet." I asked... "Are you sure? She and I got home ten minutes ago, and she walked here to grab something. " She said "Maybe she's in her room..." and I go.. "Oh maybe.." She allows me inside and calls out her name. I go to her room to see if she's there, and when I twist open the doorknob and open the door, I noticed the lights were off. I flip the switch and.. she wasn't in there. The room didn't seem like it was touched in fact.
I asked her "Are you sure she didn't come in?" then we start calling out her name. Her father comes down the stairs and says "What's wrong?" when we asked if he had seen her, he says "No.." then we all call and begin looking for her in the house. When she didn't answer back, we step outside.
"Did she go back to my house maybe?" I thought to myself... "No... I would have seen her.." I dash back home, knock on the door. When my father opens up the door, I asked him if she had come in the house. He said she hadn't and then I tell him of the situation. We start yelling out for her, and suddenly my heart feels like it was sinking into my throat as the pounding against my chest was rapid and tense. "What happened? She can't be missing..."
Suddenly some neighbors come outside and asked us what was wrong, when we fill them in, the offer to help us out. Then my dad says "Climb up that tree and see if you can spot her or something.." The tree was tall, large and had a wide and large span. It was perfect to build a tree house in or something and still have room for maybe even two more.
Without delay, my father helps me up, and I climb the tree to as far as I could before I felt the branches were going to give in under my weight. I quickly scan the surrounding area and look down to the street on the corner of the house. Where MY house is, and I see a figure walking by. It walks under a street lamp but I could hardly see it's face. Then as it passes by, I point my finger and said "There's someone..." but I don't think anyone heard me, because something about this individual felt off. The person stopped momentarily, but it was out of the light and it continued to look in my direction.
"Can he see me?" I said to myself nervously... he wasn't looking down, but up... Directly at me it felt, like he could see me in the tree. However I felt that was hard, or almost impossible, because there was much covering me and it was so dark how could anyone see me in thsi tree?
Then, the figure walked a few more steps, and was hidden out of view by the brick wall that gates our backyard. I could not see the figure anymore, but it was wearing jeans, and a sweatshirt. I couldn't see anymore though other than it was maybe a white skinned person and that was all.
We continue searching the whole night, we warn the police and tell them what had happened. I go off searching on my own, and to no avail. UP and down the streets, and four hours later I still have no clue what had happened.
Then when I return home, I see her parents out the house. The police were there, just leaving and I see her mother and father holding each other, weeping. When I walk up to them, I had asked them what was wrong.
The mother was sobbering, too much that she just couldn't answer me. Her father who looked like he was in pain, his heart was ripped out, his face filled with fear and sorrow struggled to tell me, "Sh-she... c-called." For a moment I wanted to shout out "She did? Where is she, what happened?" then he continued, and his face seemed like each and every word hurt "She was kidnapped... someone has her and she is scared, in pain and said he will kill her."
Just like that, I felt like the air around me was growing thin, it was getting harder to breathe, and I was struggling to make any sense of this. "How... when? Why? Who? What the hell happened?" Nothing made sense to me, but all I knew was... it was my fault. Whatever it was, I should have walked her home, I should have gone with her, I should have protected her. I suddenly felt like my legs were going to give in, the sense of hopelessness, failure and sorrow were overwhelming. I tried to fight back the tears in my eyes for now, I tried to stand strong, then... I ran. As hard as I could, not sure where the sudden burst of strength came from, but I ran back home.
As I had approached the door, I noticed something was off. The door itself was open, it was slightly left open, and suddenly my body froze in fright, my eyes widened as I stared at the small gap. "What is this?" I said, then I had reached for the door, when it opened. I was suddenly frozen and unsure what to do, then after what felt like slow-motion. The face behind the door was my father.
"What are you doing!" I snapped, as he opened the door. "Umm... I was just about to head outside, I was going to look for you." Suddenly he smiled and said "I'm glad your back though, is there any word on..."
Suddenly my face turned sour, my head hanged low, and my legs were weak, quivering and ready to give in.... He stopped and comforted me, and I struggled to say the words... the words I could not believe myself nor wanted to believe...
"S-she was... kidnapped." I began sobbering, I couldn't hold myself together "and it's all MY FAULT!!" I was about to fall to the ground, when my dad caught me and held me up. He helped me to my room, and after a while, I lay there, my mother and father were there to comfort me. Trying to tell me there was nothing I could do, it wasn't my fault, I shouldn't blame myself. The usual jabber, but I couldn't believe them. I knew very well it was my fault...
I couldn't sleep that night... I was up, tossing and turning, thoughts in my head trying to make sense of what had just happened this night, trying to find an answer, trying to pin something together, find a clue, and blaming myself for ultimately all this that had happened...
It was night time again, the next day... as I was heading home... I heard something barking. I suddenly felt something small nudging against my legs and looked down to see a white small dog, with curly white hair and a pink bow on it's head looking at me. I'm no good with dogs nor names, but it was a cute dog. Suddenly I hear a girl calling ahead of me, saying my name. I look up and it was one of her friends.
I picked up the dog, walked up to her and greeted her. Her expression told me all, she told me she just heard the new today, and came over when she could. She looked like a mess a bit, her hair was out of place, her eye shadow running down her eyes from the tears she must have been crying as she was on her way here, and she just looked so fragile, so helpless and so weak.
I bring the dog up to her, and it barks in cheer and licks her face. She cracks a smile and grabs the dog, then she kisses it and sets it down. The pup stays by our side, and continues running in circles around us, barking. Then she throws herself on me, begins to cry, and all I can do is begin to comfort her. After a while, she stops and apologizes, I tell her it's fine, don't worry.
Then she looks up to me, my hands are above her waist and all I'm doing is just holding her, and then she says "You get a kiss too." and kisses me on the lips. A quick peck, nothing serious, and she goes... "I'm sorry.." I tell her not to worry about it... I mean it was nice... "Hey... it's ok. I hope you feel better though."
After a while, I seem to have her as comforted as she can be, and then she gives me her number and says "Call me if you hear anything ok." I hand her my number and tell her to do the same. I walk her to her car and she goes off home. When I get home, I can't sleep. I don't lie on my bed, instead... I'm standing in my room, trying to just do what I've been doing. Figure out what the hell happened here...
I don't know how long it was, but moments later I get a phone call. I look and it's her friend.
I answer the phone. "Hello?"
"Chris! CHRIS!! Help me!! Someone's trying to get in!" I hear the small dog barking and growling loudly.
"Who is? Wait... no, get OUT NOW! What are you doing? Leave!!" Just then I heard a loud noise like something was broken, the door perhaps knocked down or busted open, and then I hear her yelling. I begin telling my legs I need to move, I need to get to her, yet I just can't seem to at all. I'm frozen in place, my legs feel 100x heavier and I can't nudge them at all.
"Oh no! NO, NO, NO!!!" she screams and then I hear the dog suddenly whimper and squeal. Just then, I hear something else... it sounds like metal clinking against metal. I couldn't tell what this sound was, but it sounded mechanical almost too, and then... I hear the phone drop, and her screaming "NO PLEASE! NO!! STOP!! DO-..." and then I hear a blood curdling scream on the reciver end of the phone.
"NOOOOO!!!!" I shout into the phone, and then... I wake up.
So as I wait here for my food to come, I thought I'd write down a dream I had. Since I don't have a journal myself, I like to log my dreams though and just look back on them if I felt something from it.
Well here's how it starts..
I'm walking up to a store, this town is different than any other town I've been in. It's not a small little place, but rather the area we are in feels like a small homely country town. The feeling probably comes because the stores and shops are small but they are a plenty, and the street isn't for driving really but rather it's a cobble stone path with cement side walks and those vintage lamp posts you see in late 60's movies or something. It was something I've never been to myself, but rather it still felt like I've been here before.... with someone else.
As I walk and enter a restaurant, I'm greeted by a warm smile and face that is familiar as well. "Hello Sam" I said, and she says "Come on, everyone's here already, let me take you to them."
I follow her to a room where I see my family along with other people. These are no strangers in fact, I know very well who they are.
"Hey he's here!" shouted everyone and then someone says "Where is she?" and I say "Oh she was right be-" I turn to look and then my eyes are covered and I hear her giggle than everyone shout "Oh HEY!" and then everyone begins to shout and laugh in joy.
She quickly removes her hands and gives me a great big squeeze, then I just smile and laugh, and before I turn around her father summons me over and says he want's a picture so I hold my position and he snaps a photo. Afterward, I head over to the table that sits in the middle of the room where all can see us. It's a table for two, just me and her. Beside our table on each end of the room is our parents. Hers sitting on my left and mine on my right. There's a big window that gives a nice view of the street, the sunlight peers into the room and it's the evening. The sun is starting to hid behind the buildings on the other side of the street, and as we sit down she sits in front of me. I sit with the window in sight, and the light beams on me. Her face is hard to see right now do to the light shining in my eyes, but I pay no attention to it.
Then I grab her hand, pull it to me, and stare at the ring around her finger. Entranced by it's beauty and the meaning of it...
"I can't wait... " I said as I smiled staring down at our engagement ring. "Me too!" she says excitedly. When all is said and done, we leave after the party, the sun is just about to set, night is coming as we are leaving. I drive her home, drop her off. "I'll see you in two days" she says... and kisses me goodbye.
The first day comes, we are not seeing each other till the day of the wedding, it's only one more day away. I admit the day begins to feel slow and long already. I can't explain why but I don't feel nervous at all for the upcoming event. I'm stoked, over joyed, filled with energy and zeal like never before. The hours seem like days, the minutes pass on like hours and seconds feel like antagonizing minutes.
I have the days off from work and it's the middle of summer, I won't be going back till I return from my honeymoon, so I decide to try and past the time by doing some things around the house. I've felt much change after being with her for so long, she's certainly the woman of my dreams. As the time goes on, the day just seems to never end, after what seemed like hours of work, but merely was half an hour, I decided to play some video games. After maybe fifteen minutes I shut off the games and decide to walk outside looking for something to do.
Suddenly there's a knock at my door. I rush over and open the door, and there stands my mother. She hugs and kisses me, then I invite her inside. She had came to check up on me, seeing how I was doing. I said I was just fine, the day was going too slow for me though. Afterward, she asks if I felt nervous at all or in any way unsure. I told her that I was just overwhelmed with joy. I'm literally counting down the seconds to our wedding and I cannot wait.
She laughs and says "Well you'll be a good husband, I know it." After spending about an hour with me, my mother says it's time for her to head back home. She asked if I wanted to come home for a while, but I said I had other plans... even though I didn't.
As she leaves, I figure I'll pass time by going out to eat and walking the beach. Time goes on, and the only thing ever on my mind is my wedding and my fiance. Eventually, the day comes to an end, night comes and I finally decide at 9 p.m. to go to sleep and try and sleep til the wedding day arrives. "One more day.." I say to myself...
The next day comes, I woke up, but this time... it was much later. I toss and turn in bed for a few minutes before I struggle to pull myself out of bed...
I walk to make myself breakast, but I feel very sluggish this morning. I'm not sure why, when I was just bursting with energy yesterday... However, after a good shower, I felt better, and was more alert this time. I decide to do a few things around the house again, but a knock on my door breaks my train of thought of what I should be doing first...
I run over to the door, and it's her sister. "Oh... Hey..." she just interuppted. "Hey I just came to check on you...
"Oh?" I said.... "Well I'm fine..." then I asked "Did she ask you to come?" I smile and grin thinking my fiance just probably was missing me...
"Huh..? Oh.. yeah, she did." I was thrown off, she seemed a bit ... disturbed. "Are you ok?" I asked...
"Yeah I'm fine, listen.. I have to run, but take care ok!" then she dashes off and I close the door as she leaves.
After a while I pondered "Is something wrong? She looked troubled..." I decide to ignore it for now. The day is half over, and I'm beginning to feel a bit stressed out now. I'm not sure why, but all this day my mind is fixated on tomorrow's big event. "It's almost here..." I say grinning to myself and sitting on the couch just listening to some music.
I decide to pull myself into bed, turn on the television for a bit and hopefully just fall asleep. Just then... I begin to wonder about her, what she is doing, how's she doing, what she looks like right now....
... I must admit, in this time of my dream, I've not seen her face... I can't picture her... Needless to say, my time was spent trying to picture her face, her smile, her eyes, hair color, and everything about her..
I felt I knew her, I felt I could even ... feel her touch and know what it feels like, but to know exactly how she looks? I don't know...
needless to say, my dream comes to an end... the day of our wedding. I don't even make it to the chapel though. Rather, I wake up the dawn of the next day as I say to myself "I'm getting married..."
Well, today I'm going out looking for a job. Today I will try and find something to do and keep myself busy, and mostly I hope that I will have good luck to find a job nearby and begin working soon now.
I may also end up signing up for classes at Mt. Sac today too if I have the time, but I plan to mostly spend it looking for jobs and filling out applications.
This has just been one of the worst years, to spend doing absolutely nothing and being stuck in the home all the time. Now I'm going to venture forth out into the world again, and start a path that hopefully will be the right one...
As for my mission, and what I will be doing... I am perhaps just not ready anymore, or willing to go through it. I feel I am too late to begin it, and to go, now I'm just tired of this and will perhaps try again later or maybe never again?
Was it a waste to be here a year, do absolutely nothing productive and convince myself otherwise that I'd be gone soon, I was doing something of value, or what?
Well whatever it is, I should get going now, it's almost 10, the mall should be opening soon, I plan to look there. Gamestop, Game Quest, Macy's, Hollister, there's a Cinnabon place that's opening up there they should have openings, and well basically there's lots of places I should look into over there first, maybe next I'll move to the Jamba Juice and see if they are hiring, or I can go to the UPS store and see if they are hiring, then go tot he Eastland Shopping Center, they have a Target, Circuit City, and Gamestop there, and I hear Mervyn's is hiring too.
Afterwards I will probably just try looking around, what else is there? There's another Gamestop by the Wal-Mart down my street. I could even go work at Wal-Mart... why not? Ech... but I would try to avoid that place... we'll see.
In case you're wondering why I'm suddenly doing this 180 and not going on that mission, well I had a pretty long and somewhat revealing fight I guess last night with my mother. I realized my time I wasted, though I knew, yet she made sure it seeped in. I realize I'm no longer ready, I never was, but I fooled myself into thinking otherwise, I just need now to find out how to solve my problems.
So I don't go, people will be disappointed, that's tough I guess for them. I'll move on, so will they... I hate to say that I won't go, but it may be true... who knows. I would still like to go, but I'm just not ready in many ways than I used to believe. There was more tot he fight too, but this along with the topic that I'm just alone and I realized I need a friend closeby sometimes...
I have some friends yes... but I really could use a friend of the type I can call up, talk to, visit, and spill secrets too. I do have one of course, but she's just not around right now... Yet I also wish I had a few more... or even moreso, one special kind of friend?
Bah... I'll write about that later... let's hurry on it's 10:02 A.M. I need to get moving...
Well.. from this writing I have four more days till I'm no longer a teen. I will finally become a non-teen number, and that number is the big two-oh! XD
Now I'm just feeling a little... too old? XD
I wonder what to feel though really... 20 is... well I'm no child anymore. Haven't been I guess, but I'm still dependent. I'm wondering if though I'm were I should be in life for a 20 year old though..
To be honest... another thing is... I don't know if I feel I'm ever taken serious as an adult sometimes. I guess one thing is I perhaps don't act like it? I don't... seem like it?
I don't know, but I don't want to sound too sappy her, but sometimes I feel my parents don't seem to give me the respect I should have as an adult? Why not though... I'm still dependent, and I still can't live on my own.
I mean, they may let me go out or not go somewhere with them if I say or ask not to. However sometimes I almost have to always go, or also when they talk to me it's more like they talk to me as if I can't say no or have no say in things. It can be irritating, also they seem to mock me a bit, and I mean I don't mind the occasional jokes here and there. We as a family joke around a lot and sometimes we may go a little too far, but we know the intentions are no meant to hurt in anyway way either. Yet, even my mother realizes this, I feel sometimes we need to learn to get out this habit. It can be very hard to deal with the "You do nothing!" comment one to many times.
I realize I don't exactly do anything ... productive to this economy. I don't do anything for my education and I may even be getting more stupid as time goes by (Seriously I'm curious how much I've forgotten without school... v_v) but when they just throw it in my face as a way to... who knows what... shut me up? Stop my complaining? Get a point? I don't know what, it feels... sometimes... hurtful I guess.
I mean do I really do "nothing?" Does not taking care of my siblings, sacrificing my life almost for watching and caring for them do nothing? Do I not go out of my way (even if I have nothing to do) or obligate to help out with something, go drive to wherever I must, take my brother to his friend's house, even continue doing the parental things like bathe my brother Matthew, take him tot he restroom, carry him from room to room, even when my dad is home, and all that other stuff ... is it really "nothing?" I mean sometimes I feel I sacrifice a lot to do this, to be here for them and I know I can still work or go to school. Yet I'm also going to sacrifice two years of my life for something they've pestered me about going on, and told me to do and how I must do it. Sometimes I view it like that at least... even if I do want to go sometimes...
*sigh* so what do I do? If I turn 20 will any of this be removed? I would like to dream that it would, but odds are... it may not? I mean in time it may, but I have to probably tell them about how I feel I guess too. It's just... I'm in such a stall at my life, I want to get it moving again... I hate not moving forward and I feel like I've been stopped for too long...
Ok... So let me not beat around the bush with a long winded intro and dive right into the topic...
... Yep. Actually hold up... *puts strikethrough*
Here is the actual topic now that I have your attention
Now... without further delay. I just want to say, going to the beach, coming back, spending an entire day there from sunrise till sunset, it was a wonderful experience. Yet, one thing is on every guys mind... women and bikinis. =)
However, I must admit... what is the fascination we men have with the figure of women?
Ok, so to help illustrate... I have a friend. Well we have a family who's a friend. My mother's best friend, and her family. I've known them since birth, even if I may have distant from my friend Kenneth (nickname Kenny) his sister maybe is a bit of another story? I can find myself also talking more to his mom than his him a bit. It's a guess a bit of a sad story to say, we aren't as close anymore as before. Perhaps because we don't see each other as often and he has been going through some rough times I hear, but that's another story.. like I said so... *steers topic into current choice*
Yes women, the female body is something that can have quite the control over the male intuition and pysche. Why is that?
Case in point... my friend Samantha (daughter of my mom's friend, sister of Kenny, and blah blah). Ok, so she's young, like.. she just turned 17 and isn't legal I get it, and to be honest I never even really saw her in any way that I did that one Friday at the beach.
Oh nelly, what was wrong with me? First off, she came, was her typical self, and all. She was covered at the time, and we were all talking, I was the same way I always was with her, and nothing about her raced my mind...
Then she wants to go in the water and oh my lord, what a change my mind had.
First thing I immediately noticed was how well endowed she was, the instant she removed that sweater over her top, and those two curvacious pieces of ... ok I'll stop, but they flop out and I'm just staring for a second at the corner of my eyes like "o_o" and all I was thinking of... was "Umm... Hey Sammy" XD What the hell? Ok, so I never hit on her for furture reference, but my goodness how much did I change around her because of this revealing and somewhat strange behavior that came upon me.
It's like I never noticed beforehand. she always wore something a little sultry, with some cleaveage or so, but this bikini top wasn't anything small, any fancy, and yet... the mass of those breast together, seeing them dripping with water and her hair flinging around when she was in the ocean, and all that stuff you can describe in a eerie and yet sexy way... I can't understand it. Why would something like that be so hypnotic!! Ugh... I don't get myself...
Well she wasn't the only women I paid full attention too as well, there were other women out on the beach I had my eyes on, but of course this was one girl I already could talk to and was on a well known basis with.
Now, beforehand I always said "Shes sort of like a sister." Hell one time she volunteered to be my prom date, but I said no thanks as well. Now... I'm almost like... "Damn..." XD But I don't think she was well endowed at the time?
Still I would never see myself going anywhere with her I'd say, for quite a few reasons perhaps, but my goodness I was willing to throw those reasons out the window and who knows what I'd have done if the family wasn't there. Hers, mine, her mom's sister, my mom's sister and brother, and their families and so forth. XD
I've learned something valuable I guess, and I'll try to not let the female body control me so much. Also FYI it wasn't just boobs that hyponotized me, she had a good figure overall (she just became a vegitarian and has been for six months) yet why is it the two most hypnotic aspect seem to be the good ol TnA of a women?
Grr... male hormones are so hard to predict...
Now... with that said... I should go... wash myself or something. XD
Well I was a a birthday party today. Just came back and I feel really good.
We had cake (it was awesome! Strawberry flavored too, not cake with Strawberries, but STRAWBERRY FLAVOR! :o ) went Swimming (Always nice to keep cool XD ), played some Video games (I owned in Halo 3 XD ) and just overall had a good time hanging out.
Now this was my friend's 21 birthday, but the theme was Hannah Montanna... lol she's a special one. :P
It was still fun though, the cake was just bomb. (She made it so it had to be, she's good at cooking... =P ) and well once again... I have to say I just love my church or the people there I guess... >.>
See she invited mostly people from church, and I mention how Church to me is sometimes an extended family and it really feels that way so much when we are just together.
I mean I'm just so comfortable there, with these people... talking to everyone young and old. It's like we are just really close and sometimes it just is an overwhelming feeling of joy to be around these people I am glad to have these chances when we do. =)
Let's see... first off... I talked to Madalynne. (I could be spelling it wrong... pronounced: Ma-da-lin and she's a 12 year old little girl who's turning 13 (she makes sure you know) and is fun to be with. She's pretty mature for her age at times and she's... quite the developing young girl if I must comment. But anyways I talk to her, and others around her age. Went swimming, talked to some other peeps my age there too. Vicky (B-day girl), Allen (her brother), Spencer (friend) and others. So it was almost the same old people...
Until I sat at the table with the adults for some time. Well first I sat alone on the table just eating my food when Vanessa called me over. Well I call her Sister Morrison because in church I usually call the adults by that name. Well she isn't really that old, she's actually young.. her and her husband. She also called me "Brother Carlos" since she didn't know my first name, but we got that out the side quickly when she went "I'm sorry I don't know your first name what is it?" and thus problem solved. :P
I have to comment though, I like Vanessa. I mean... Maybe this is weird, we only talked right there... but we talked and got along pretty well. So we extend the hand of frienship once again, ya know? But before I mention this other thing too, I want to say it was nice to be at the adults table just soaking up the atmosphere and all. There was me, the Morrisons whom are the youngest couples, then two older couples and another girl whom is around her 20s too.
Well it's just nice, and anyways back to my previous comment. I have to admit... I guess this is wrong in some way but I don't ever plan to do anything about it and frankly I don't want to I'm sure have anything happen, but Vanessa is an attractive women. Eric got lucky... :P I think she's pretty and sometimes I just notice something I'd like to comment to her about it but ... obviously I believe that sometimes we may see a comment more than what it is... Yet with friends they may not. So maybe when we become better friends?
Anyways, I admit I guess I feel a bit bad for thinking the way I do a bit... like... I don't want anything to happen, but she's very attractive I can't help maybe sometimes just thinking how she looks. XD Oh... I'm sorry...
not much else happened I guess. It was a great day nonetheless. We had candy, cake, pinatas, went swimming. So overall it was great... XD
Ugh... ok so I know I shouldn't have but I did...
I watched some youtube videos my friend showed me... beforehand he mentioned they were very disturbing and even when I heard it I was already disturbed, but man... this just was too much and yet I still went on looking for more similar videos.
Well in the video, what happens is... there's a lady calling 911. (Whether this is all fake or not I can't say but man... it ... sounded too real, but my question is how do people get these audio tapes?)
Well the lady calls, because someone is walking around her house. The person walks around, you hear the women scared and mortified... she's trying to get through the call then... the guy vanishes... she grows quite and then you hear a loud noise, hear the woman scream, then you hear the phone drop, her screaming, before she's muffled and then you hear some beatings and then what may be the woman gagging or something before the whole thing ends and she's perhaps dead. Then the phone call is lost and you hear the dispatcher informing the police
Now if that wasn't bad enough... I ended up watching some similar videos... and...
well man this put me in a really bad state right now... it's just... ugh...
No more of this for me ever again. At least on the seriousness of this one...
Today I saw someone... it wasn't more than for maybe.. 3 seconds, but someone whom was a big deal to me I guess in my life.
I was driving down Badillo street, when I saw her... the funny thing is... this was on my way back home. I mean... I don't really travel down this street to that specific spot. I'll take it then make a turn before her house shows up, partly because there's nothing down that way in my interest anyways. Yet today, I was kind of expecting to see her, or something... but I didn't on my way through the first time.
When I come back, she's there in the middle section of the street. Whatever you call the dividing concrete parts that holds the trees lining up the middle of the road. Well anyways, she was there... first I wanted to think it was her sister but it wasn't...
If you're curious it was Portia Harris. That's her name... she's someone whom I just... I dunno. I though we were good friends, and at one point... we were. We were pretty close I felt, maybe closer than we knew, but at the same time we were kind of distant. I know that sounds impossible... but it was like.. we knew, or hoped maybe, our feelings for one another at the time, yet we never were even public much of our friendship I'd say. I mean we would talk occasionally here and there and wouldn't ignore the other if we were to see each other crossing paths, but at the same time... we weren't together often in public either.
Anyways, seeing her... it was both good and bad I guess. Good to just see her...
Yet, the bad is... I guess I don't know who or what to blame for what happened between us either.
We just grew distant after all, I guess that is what it was. Our lifestyles too busy for one another maybe? I perhaps didn't give enough of my effort to continue the relationship? Did she even bother though? now that I think of it...
It's weird... I remember wanting to try and see her again, yet we never could seem to find the time... I remember also being afraid to call her, because the time before we talked had been quite a long time ago ...
I remember the one night she mentioned to me... she wanted to kiss me that one night, and me .... well it went through my head too. Yet, I never did... would that have changed anything you think? Would it have been for the better or would it not even matter now? I don't think about that event really or long on it... just... it's something I've thought about maybe and then it came again when I saw her. I kind of wish we were still friends... are we friends? I don't even know her anymore... I even wondered if I should have told her I'd be leaving for a mission... would it matter to her? Would she care? Would I care if she did?
Oh well... I suppose that's life, right? I mean... I'm not too sad about it or anything but I don't think I even feel the slightest bit of sorrow... yet I don't have any anger or feelings of the like towards her either. I'm pretty listless I guess about this whole situation, yet I just can't say it's something I feel I should be listless about? I mean... I don't have many friends anyways... I can count them all pretty much on one hand... but I just wondered... for a time, what it would have been like if I took the chance...